Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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