I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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