Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
