I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He passed out mid-signature
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
