so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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