Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
