this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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