I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
