R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
