we have pet lesbian snakes
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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