am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
