The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize