That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
