we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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