im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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