I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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