i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
