I'm laying in your front yard are you home
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
