My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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