if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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