You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize