Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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