So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
