I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
