I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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