Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
