Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
