is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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