So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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