your thong is hanging out like whoa
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
