He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
