so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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