i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
