I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
