he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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