I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize