just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
