Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
