also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
