watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize