my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
