I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize