my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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