The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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