i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
