So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize