just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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