I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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