tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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