Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
