remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
