Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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