my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
