I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
