my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
