u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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