is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
