Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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