Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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