just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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