I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
