i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
