sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
