I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize