My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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