I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
